Does Divorce Damage Your Kids? 10 Parenting Tips for Survival

by Dr. Noel Swanson

Divorce is a sad fact of life. It is not a new phenomenon - parents have been getting divorced since the day that marriage was invented; and even before that couples would unite... and part.

The very fact that two people who got together and promised to be there for each other through thick and thin have now come to this stage that they must separate is unfortunate indeed.

That is always sad.

But if you think that divorce is the only option for you, then there is no point looking back to see who was at fault. Instead focus on how to make the best of a bad situation.

One thing is clear: No one wants to get divorced. But if, it happens or is going to happen, we should try to minimize its impact on all concerned, especially children.

So, for the sake of the children, here are some tips on how to minimize the impact on the kids:

1. Don't get divorced! The best situation for children is to live with both parents in a loving and caring home, preferably with loving and caring relatives nearby.

So, despite the fact that you may have tried hard yourself, I would advise you to try once more to rekindle the love you once had. It’s a good idea to seek help at this juncture before it is too late. For this, it is important to be honest with yourself and your counselor.

This is not to suggest that you have to tolerate an abusive relationship ‘for the sake of children.’ An unhappy home is worse than a broken home. If parents can’t live together as mature individuals then perhaps it is best to get out of the relationship.

2. If you must separate, be grown-up about it. Do your level best to separate amicably. Agree that things are not working out between you and that it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes. Why? They cost you a bunch of money, drag down your emotions, preventing you from moving on with life, and ALWAYS end up with the children picking up the bad vibes and feeling very insecure.

3. Even if the other person has hurt you badly, he is still the parent of your child. And no child likes to hear bad things about their parents. Be honest with your children and answer their questions as dispassionately as you can, even though it may not be easy at times. Also, you need to reassure them that you are not going to leave too. Most children feel abandoned.

4. The secret of all relationships is honesty. While you should not say nasty things about the other parent, there is no need to defend them either. If he has promised to come and doesn’t turn up, don’t make excuses for him. You don’t know what is going on in the child’s mind. Very often children start blaming themselves for all that is going wrong. Make it quite clear that it isn’t their fault that you separated or that the other parent is so unreliable.

5. However badly hurt or angry you might be, encourage your children to keep in contact (visits, phone calls, letters) with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. They need that. However much you might despise your ex, do not poison your child's relationship with him/her.

6. Do NOT use your children as a messenger between two immature adults who cannot even find a way to talk civilly to each other.

7. In case the other parent is really harmful or abusive, protect your child by all means, but make sure your opinion is not based on your prejudices.

8. If you have a choice, don’t go in for joint custody; it doesn’t work. The child feels torn between two homes. If the other parent is emotionally and financially strong, let him/her take custody of the child even though it rips you apart. And, take care of the parenting in your house and don’t dictate your rules on the other parent in their house.

9. You may want to move on with your life and make friends. Just be sensitive about bringing your new friends home. Your children are not going to like them because they kill all hopes of their parents ever getting together again.

10. Above all, work on yourself. Learn from the experience, heal from the wounds, and by setting an example teach your children how to overcome a bad situation and turn it into a good one. If it doesn’t kill you, you will come out of it stronger. That’s the lesson your children will learn and have hope instead of despair about human relationships.

Will your children suffer from your divorce? It all depends on how you handle it. But if you can maintain a calm, adult, relationship with your ex, so that you can talk sensibly about visiting times, school progress, etc, even if you can't live together, then you children can do very well.

All you have to do is be a good parent to the best of your ability.


Dr. Noel Swanson has written a very informative book and highly entertaining on managing child behavior problems - The GOOD CHILD Guide. Many pediatric nurses consider it a must read for all parents.

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