by Dr. Noel Swanson
Divorce is a sad fact of life. It is not a new phenomenon - parents have been getting divorced since the day that marriage was invented; and even before that couples would unite... and part.
The very fact that two people who got together and promised to be there for each other through thick and thin have now come to this stage that they must separate is unfortunate indeed.
That is always sad.
But if you think that divorce is the only option for you, then there is no point looking back to see who was at fault. Instead focus on how to make the best of a bad situation.
One thing is clear: No one wants to get divorced. But if, it happens or is going to happen, we should try to minimize its impact on all concerned, especially children.
So, for the sake of the children, here are some tips on how to minimize the impact on the kids:
1. Don't get divorced! The best situation for children is to live with both parents in a loving and caring home, preferably with loving and caring relatives nearby.
So, despite the fact that you may have tried hard yourself, I would advise you to try once more to rekindle the love you once had. It’s a good idea to seek help at this juncture before it is too late. For this, it is important to be honest with yourself and your counselor.
This is not to suggest that you have to tolerate an abusive relationship ‘for the sake of children.’ An unhappy home is worse than a broken home. If parents can’t live together as mature individuals then perhaps it is best to get out of the relationship.
2. If you must separate, be grown-up about it. Do your level best to separate amicably. Agree that things are not working out between you and that it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes. Why? They cost you a bunch of money, drag down your emotions, preventing you from moving on with life, and ALWAYS end up with the children picking up the bad vibes and feeling very insecure.
3. Even if the other person has hurt you badly, he is still the parent of your child. And no child likes to hear bad things about their parents. Be honest with your children and answer their questions as dispassionately as you can, even though it may not be easy at times. Also, you need to reassure them that you are not going to leave too. Most children feel abandoned.
4. The secret of all relationships is honesty. While you should not say nasty things about the other parent, there is no need to defend them either. If he has promised to come and doesn’t turn up, don’t make excuses for him. You don’t know what is going on in the child’s mind. Very often children start blaming themselves for all that is going wrong. Make it quite clear that it isn’t their fault that you separated or that the other parent is so unreliable.
5. However badly hurt or angry you might be, encourage your children to keep in contact (visits, phone calls, letters) with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. They need that. However much you might despise your ex, do not poison your child's relationship with him/her.
6. Do NOT use your children as a messenger between two immature adults who cannot even find a way to talk civilly to each other.
7. In case the other parent is really harmful or abusive, protect your child by all means, but make sure your opinion is not based on your prejudices.
8. If you have a choice, don’t go in for joint custody; it doesn’t work. The child feels torn between two homes. If the other parent is emotionally and financially strong, let him/her take custody of the child even though it rips you apart. And, take care of the parenting in your house and don’t dictate your rules on the other parent in their house.
9. You may want to move on with your life and make friends. Just be sensitive about bringing your new friends home. Your children are not going to like them because they kill all hopes of their parents ever getting together again.
10. Above all, work on yourself. Learn from the experience, heal from the wounds, and by setting an example teach your children how to overcome a bad situation and turn it into a good one. If it doesn’t kill you, you will come out of it stronger. That’s the lesson your children will learn and have hope instead of despair about human relationships.
Will your children suffer from your divorce? It all depends on how you handle it. But if you can maintain a calm, adult, relationship with your ex, so that you can talk sensibly about visiting times, school progress, etc, even if you can't live together, then you children can do very well.
All you have to do is be a good parent to the best of your ability.
Dr. Noel Swanson has written a very informative book and highly entertaining on managing child behavior problems - The GOOD CHILD Guide. Many pediatric nurses consider it a must read for all parents.
Click Here for a Divorce Attorney with Reasonable Fees
How Much Does a Divorce Cost?
How much does a divorce cost? by Hope Ocampo
The legal costs and professional fees may be overpowering at first sight but the actual cost of divorce can range from context to context. It would make sense for you to ask your divorce attorney how much exactly your case will cost, but this is one question which is not quite as simple as it may seem.
The variables of a divorce case
This is because a number of variables come into the picture of your divorce case. Unlike personal injury cases where the lawyer may accept contingency fees, your divorce attorney is paid for the number of hours he/she actually puts into the case. This means that even if you wait 2 hours at the court just to get in 15 minutes with the judge, you’ll be paying for your attorney’s waiting time as well, (and maybe even his/her travel time too!) The total number of hours spent on your case and your lawyer’s rate will determine the amount due.
Budgeting time with your lawyer is difficult to control
Even as you may budget your time with your divorce lawyer, you do not have power over your mate’s lawyer. If your mate thinks that your divorce case is complex, there may be a number of issues that will need to be discussed in order for the case to be settled. Because of these variables, it is not viable to measure exactly how much time in court will be needed. By not reaching an agreement with your mate outside of court, you will be sure to deal with the costs of filing fees, legal documents, and trial appearances where your legal representatives must be present. Put together, all of these costs can get quite high.
Keep track of costs
Your divorce lawyer will be required to be present with you at Court Conferences. Expect at least 3 conferences: preliminary, compliance, and pre-trial. Because of the heavy traffic of cases in the Court calendar, there may very well be a significant amount of waiting time for your scheduled conference. This time spent idle will actually be part of the cost you will pay for, since you are paying your lawyer for his/her hourly rate. Even the travel time of your divorce lawyer may be billed as well.
In order to keep track of costs, you must make sure you are aware of the Retainer Agreement. The Retainer Agreement will show you exactly what your lawyer has accomplished and what amount of time he/she has spent on the case. Jumping to the first lawyer you talk to is not a smart move. Different lawyers vary in their rates for particular duties. Make sure to check out the ranges and choose your attorney accordingly.
Costs increase with experience
An experienced lawyer will naturally be more expensive than a fresh graduate. If you are dealing with many twists and turns regarding disagreements with your spouse, you may opt to go with an experienced lawyer instead. But there are agencies which make use of the work of associate lawyers or paralegals as ‘assistants’ to experienced attorneys, and this can reduce the ultimate cost of your legal fees in comparison to paying for the full-time work of a lead attorney. The hourly rates of these associates or paralegals will be less than their seniors and this can result in a reduction of overall legal costs.
Check if your lawyer requires a minimum fee.
Make sure that you discuss beforehand if your divorce lawyer will charge a minimum fee for your case. These minimum fees, which are hours of work paid in advance, will not be returned if fewer hours were spent on your case as a whole. On the other hand, if more hours were spent on your case, you shall expect to pay additional.
Ask specific questions in order to get a better idea of the particular cost of your case.
Click Here For a Wisconsin Divorce Attorney with Reasonable Fees
The legal costs and professional fees may be overpowering at first sight but the actual cost of divorce can range from context to context. It would make sense for you to ask your divorce attorney how much exactly your case will cost, but this is one question which is not quite as simple as it may seem.
The variables of a divorce case
This is because a number of variables come into the picture of your divorce case. Unlike personal injury cases where the lawyer may accept contingency fees, your divorce attorney is paid for the number of hours he/she actually puts into the case. This means that even if you wait 2 hours at the court just to get in 15 minutes with the judge, you’ll be paying for your attorney’s waiting time as well, (and maybe even his/her travel time too!) The total number of hours spent on your case and your lawyer’s rate will determine the amount due.
Budgeting time with your lawyer is difficult to control
Even as you may budget your time with your divorce lawyer, you do not have power over your mate’s lawyer. If your mate thinks that your divorce case is complex, there may be a number of issues that will need to be discussed in order for the case to be settled. Because of these variables, it is not viable to measure exactly how much time in court will be needed. By not reaching an agreement with your mate outside of court, you will be sure to deal with the costs of filing fees, legal documents, and trial appearances where your legal representatives must be present. Put together, all of these costs can get quite high.
Keep track of costs
Your divorce lawyer will be required to be present with you at Court Conferences. Expect at least 3 conferences: preliminary, compliance, and pre-trial. Because of the heavy traffic of cases in the Court calendar, there may very well be a significant amount of waiting time for your scheduled conference. This time spent idle will actually be part of the cost you will pay for, since you are paying your lawyer for his/her hourly rate. Even the travel time of your divorce lawyer may be billed as well.
In order to keep track of costs, you must make sure you are aware of the Retainer Agreement. The Retainer Agreement will show you exactly what your lawyer has accomplished and what amount of time he/she has spent on the case. Jumping to the first lawyer you talk to is not a smart move. Different lawyers vary in their rates for particular duties. Make sure to check out the ranges and choose your attorney accordingly.
Costs increase with experience
An experienced lawyer will naturally be more expensive than a fresh graduate. If you are dealing with many twists and turns regarding disagreements with your spouse, you may opt to go with an experienced lawyer instead. But there are agencies which make use of the work of associate lawyers or paralegals as ‘assistants’ to experienced attorneys, and this can reduce the ultimate cost of your legal fees in comparison to paying for the full-time work of a lead attorney. The hourly rates of these associates or paralegals will be less than their seniors and this can result in a reduction of overall legal costs.
Check if your lawyer requires a minimum fee.
Make sure that you discuss beforehand if your divorce lawyer will charge a minimum fee for your case. These minimum fees, which are hours of work paid in advance, will not be returned if fewer hours were spent on your case as a whole. On the other hand, if more hours were spent on your case, you shall expect to pay additional.
Ask specific questions in order to get a better idea of the particular cost of your case.
Click Here For a Wisconsin Divorce Attorney with Reasonable Fees
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